Star Wars Episode I: Why Am I Doing This?
The Rationale
So, I’ve just set up my own website and started a new blog on it (who starts a blog in 2020, by the way?), and dedicated a section of that blog to film. I opened a Letterboxd, years late to that party, and created a watchlist of 1,226 intriguing, sophisticated, canonical and obscure films to see.
And then, like a hack, I decided to start with Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.
Why would anyone who hopes to be taken seriously in the year of Our Lord 2020 begin their film commentary on one of the most over-analyzed, mocked-to-death, and tiresome films of all time? Isn’t the internet littered with every conceivable form of comment, parody, imitation, and, more recently, sincere defense of this relatively harmless movie from twenty-one years ago?
Well, in my defense, I just wanted what everybody in July 2020 wants: to watch Hamilton (and yes, I drafted this in July – how’s that for showing one’s process?).
A younger, more shameless (and more broke) Andrew would have sailed the high seas, but I’ve been trying to turn over a new leaf, and I also realized that if I was going to spend $15 on doughnuts and coffee every few days, then I could certainly afford to pay for my entertainment. So I signed up for Disney+.
Actually, I still didn’t plan on spending a cent – the Mouse already owns the theater-going billfold of my wallet, and they really don’t need any more. No, I was going to avail myself of the free trial, and then cancel my subscription before it ended, having seen what I came to see.
The wrinkle, though, is that the free trial lasts for a whole month. It only takes two hours to watch Hamilton. A day later, and you can get through Free Solo as well. But what then?
There it was, staring at me on the home page: The Star Wars Collection. All of Star Wars, in one place. Well, except for the Holiday Special (however much you wish it, George, we won’t forget it!). And suddenly I had an urge to watch them all, in order, just to see how it played out. I’ve seen every Star Wars main saga film many times, with the exception of The Rise of Skywalker, which I pointedly only saw in theaters once – an aberration when it comes to Star Wars films. But we’ll get to that one.
So here I am, blogging my way through all nine main saga Star Wars films. Let’s see what I’m in for.
The Film
Disney+ loves to remind you that they now own Star Wars, and they love to put Star Wars content right in your face on the home screen. But, as if in shame, I had to scroll all the way to the right end of the list of Star Wars films to find Episode I – the least intuitive place for the first film of a saga to be, on the far right, offscreen. Of course, Episode I isn’t really the first film, so I suppose that makes some sense. Now, I haven’t sat through this movie in years – in fact, my memories of all of the takedowns, commentaries, parodies, and critical reviews I absorbed in my misspent youth are all more recently in mind than the unmediated film itself. My impressions may not be original, but I hope to be honest.
Let’s begin.
The first thing I notice is that the first sentence of the opening crawl.
“Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic.”
Now this is good Star Wars material. But then the second sentence slides onscreen:
“The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.”
Oh. Ok.
Five minutes into the film, two thoughts predominate. First, perhaps I was wrong about the Rise of Skywalker (I’m not). After all, at least it wasn’t the cinematic equivalent of watching paint dry. The second is that the Nemoidians are so much worse than I realized when I was a kid. Wow. At least they have fun hats. Seriously, they’re hats are sillier than an archbishop’s.
Jar-Jar
I want to talk about Jar-Jar, but I’m not going to repeat all the criticisms lobbed at him for the past two decades. In fact, I’m not here to criticize Jar-Jar at all, who seems to have committed no crime other than being an idiot. I want to talk about the way the Jedi, specifically Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, treat him throughout the movie.
It is true - Qui-Gon does begin the relationship by saving Jar-Jar’s life, tackling him to the ground in classic meet-cute fashion. You would be forgiven for mistaking this as the altruistic act of a selfless warrior monk - but what comes next has me wondering if perhaps Jar-Jar was just in Qui-Gon’s way.
Having been informed that Jar-Jar owes him a life-debt and will serve him, Qui-Gon initially sees no use for the Gungan - but as soon as he gains utility for the Jedi, suggesting that they go to Otoh Gunga, Qui-Gon insists that Jar-Jar take them. Of course, our hapless froggy friend avers that he cannot safely return since he was banished (presumably for being a nuisance). This is an obviously correct point to make, and since Jar-Jar has already told the Jedi that they should go to the city, without which they would presumably spend the entire movie wandering around the woods and eating shrooms, they really ought to say thank you and swim off to the city already. After all, if it’s close enough to swim to, surely they could find it if Jar-Jar just points them in the right direction.
Of course, this is not what they do. Instead, the jedi heroically coerce Jar-Jar into going with them as their guide, with Obi-Wan joyfully relishing painting Jar-Jar a picture of his torture and dismemberment at the hands of the droids, should he not help them. As an aside, Obi-Wan is much better and more emotive in this movie than I remembered - just maybe not always in the right ways.
But once poor old Jar Jar has done his part, and, against his better judgment, taken the Jedi to the undersea city, the Jedi completely abandon him. After conferring with the Bosses, they walk right past the manacled Jar Jar and make as if to leave, without a second thought. When Jar Jar addresses them, Obi-wan actually urges Qui-Gon to not stop and listen, because they have little time. Only after realizing Jar Jar’s potential utility as a navigator does Qui-Gon inquire what will happen to Jar Jar. While Boss Nass only says that Jar Jar will be “punished,” Jar Jar declares that he’d rather be dead in Otoh Gunga than dead in the Core, suggesting that he may have been facing execution. In point of fact, it doesn’t matter if he was just going to be given community service - the Jedi knowingly placed him in a situation where he would be punished, and then didn’t even care to find out what would happen to him when they decided to leave.
I was still thinking about this when Jar Jar tries to jump off the bridge with the jedi, only to remember halfway out the window that they’re jedi and he’s not, so then he flails and grabs onto the railing. Honestly it’s incredible he survives the movie. Qui-Gon doesn’t care if he dies, Obi-Wan relishes his fear, and Jar-Jar himself seems like he’s competing with all his might for a Darwin award. I recall that at a certain point on Tattooine, Jar-Jar is being choked violently, and Qui-Gon, the mighty Jedi, just sort of stands there looking on until a child intervenes to stop the attack. That pretty much says it all.
Space Politics!
The other thing I really want to talk about in this movie is space politics. George got a lot of flak for putting so much space politics in this movie, but personally, I love space politics. I think the problem is more that he didn’t explain the space politics enough for anyone to really feel like there were stakes, and the characters are all way too chill for us to take it seriously.
But speaking of chilling out, can anyone tell me what the Republic even does? Let’s see:
- no army
-different local laws in every system, and even on the same planet
- no human rights enforcement
- no social services
- no external threat to defend against
- no serious attempt to maintain internal order
- no standardized trade policy
- relies entirely on a police force of several hundred volunteer monks who aren’t even good at what they do.
Is the Senate a governing body, or an elite social club? What if Palpatine is right that centralization is needed? The movie doesn’t give us much reason to disagree. For the record, this is not a the-Empire-was-right take. I mean, do those people remember Alderaan?
Maybe the Galactic Republic is a libertarian’s paradise, and if Ayn Rand were writing Star Wars the Nemoidians would be the heroes? I guess that last clause is less of a question and more of a given.
Oh, and one more thing, why does the queen have actual political power to sign or not sign a treaty, if she’s 14? I thought she was a figurehead? To be fair, she’s clearly the most competent figure in her government, but I suppose that’s the real problem.
Addenda
To wrap things up, here are some random observations:
When Jar-Jar first starts talking to Padme, her face instantly freezes into a rictus of horror.
“Don’t want to attract attention” - cuts to the chrome-plated space yacht
At this point the main thing I feel about Anakin is sympathy for Jake Lloyd. That’s really all I have to say about the the character in this film. That I can get away with saying so little about the nominal protagonist (?) does not speak well of the script.
Bubble (yes that is the character’s name) tells them that the death toll is catastrophic, and the room immediately dismisses this as a trick and doesn’t react at all. But what if he was telling the truth?
The only people more bored than the viewers are the characters in the film. They are all just totally checked out, especially Qui-Gon. I think the Republic secretly wanted to collapse, if only to relieve its monotonous decadence.
Maul’s ship honks. I bet he’s got a gym in there. The movie would be massively improved by a Maul workout montage.
How is Watto so rotund if he has to constantly flap to stay up? What’s his caloric intake?
I love how the film stops dead to just show off all the goofy racers and their pods - it knows this movie isn’t worth missing any of the race for.
The noise the guy makes before he hits the cave wall and explodes is exactly what I imagine a frog being stepped on sounds like.
The guy Sebulba grenades literally just says “rawr” in a scooby doo voice.
How did Jabba sleep through the most engaging part of the movie?
The invention of prequel memes has massively improved the viewing experience.
Why are treaties under duress even valid? The Republic really is useless.
My conclusion is that the Trade Federation should stick to trade, because they are hilariously bad at war.
The dramatic irony of the joyous tone, knowing where the trilogy goes, actually enhances the finale. What is NOT improved by dramatic irony is Padme’s creepy-in-hindsight smile at Anakin.
Finally, I just can’t believe they tried to set up a cinematic universe with a film that doesn’t even have a single post-credits scene.